Thank god because ain’t nobody got time to be that sad.
I haven’t felt numb for a long time, but I remember why I found comfort in it.
But not like tick….tock….tick….tock…
tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
no no wait
no no NO nope even better
That’s the sound of my anxiety taking over.
My mind lately has been pretty beat up. I haven’t really been myself at all, honestly. I just feel so…..lonely. And not even lonely in the sense where I want to be in love or to have more friends, I just wish that the people i’ve surrounded myself with would be better listeners. I wish that when I needed advice, the conversation wouldn’t somehow be redirected back to their problems. I’m constantly the person that everyone comes to for advice, and I’m always %100 there for them without question. But time and time again I find myself without someone to talk to when I need an ear. And I’m not one for dramatics, most of the time I tend to realize how childish I’m being and learn to get over it. But I guess since everyone sucks, Tumblr will have to do for tonight.
I just can’t shake the feeling that things are about to change. I’ve changed. And that’s fucking weird because everyone always has their little “oh I’m gonna change this and that and be a new person” moments but this is different. It almost feels like my soul won’t LET me remain the same. I’m done with caring about those that don’t care just as much back. Because I can promise you this, if you don’t give a fuck, I sure as hell won’t either. And that SUCKS. Because you’ll have a million and one people read that paragraph and think, “YEAH YOU GO GURL. DONT DEAL WIT NO BULLSHIT WOO” but that’s not ME. I fucking CARE about people even if they don’t care just as much back. I’m kind and warm and sweet and kind of funny. But I’m changing and I fucking notice it man and it’s killing me. It’s like every person I’ve been destroyed by is taking a toll on who I am. You always hear, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” But it doesn’t just make you stronger. It makes you cold. It makes you realize that sometimes people are just assholes and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except be happy with yourself. But I am happy with myself! I used to have the lowest self esteem ever but for the past few months I’ve been really comfortable. I mean sure, I wanna lose weight, I want to do better in school, I wanna dye my hair, but when it comes to my soul….I’m really happy with myself. But I can’t fucking tell you how badly I want to go back to the days where I was just a sweet and naive girl that felt happy when people liked the pictures that she drew. But I’m not that girl anymore. And that is fucking mind blowing and weird and ugh
I’m not even going to re-read this. I probably went off on like fifty different tangents but I don’t even fucking care. Good enough.
Actually no, my anxiety is still killing me so let’s see what else I want to say.
OH my english professor is a fucking dick. He thinks he’s hilarious but he’s not. And he should also stop wearing thin white t shirts. You’re an old man and everyone can see your nipples.
I don’t like her. But i need her.
My anxiety has been kicking in lately and making me feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest.